Be Our Guest Batsy!
by the-CHELO
Summary: What a joyous (terrible) day! Batman is invited (captured) by The Joker to spend a mirthful evening (nightmare) at Arkham Asylum with the rest of the Caped Crusader's friends (enemies) attending as well. Promised of fine dining and superb entertainment, how can Batman REFUSE? The Joker never lets his Bats down, right? - A parody of Be Our Guest from Beauty And The Beast.


**Yo! I don't own Batman or Disney. Otherwise, there'd be releases of crossovers by now. Now that you know, please, uh, no suing.**

* * *

The Joker: Welcome back home, Batsy! Hope you're warm and cozy in our best valued coats. Wouldn't want you shivering from these chilling temperatures.

(Batman, strapped down on a chair in a straight jacket, stares down The Joker with his Bat Glare)

Batman: Whatever ploy you're plotting at this moment, Joker, it's not going to be successful.

The Joker: But I'm not pulling any tricks, honest! Sure, I had to clean this house up of lab-coats and badges to make this impressionable, but that's besides the point! I just wanted to see you, 'tis all. It's been a while since we last seen each other, and you know how giddy I can get to return to our regular routine.

Batman: You released every inmate and took hostage of all the guards and doctors, that is if they're still alive. You can't play dumb with me, Joker. I know there are bigger plans at work here.

The Joker: Broody and moody as ever, Bats. Can't even take your good pal's words to heart. Why so serious? Yeesh, if someone told you the sun is going to be beaming all day, you won't even trust that sun, thinking it's a death ray. Hahahahaha, what a hoot! I invited you home. Plain and simple! I know how much you love it here, practically where you belong.

Batman: So far, hardly amused.

The Joker: Hehehehe. Well, guess I should get started as your fantastic host for this evening. I'm betting to give you the most jolly dining of your life right here at Arkham Asylum. With the help of some longtime friends of ours.

(All the lights turn off; nothing but darkness for a short moment. Dimmer lighting slowly emerge, but all the illumination is upon a long table that appeared in front of Batman out of nowhere. On the other end of the table is Joker in the spotlight, wearing a hat and holding a cane)

The Joker:

 _Be our guest!_

 _Be our guest!_

 _Lend an ear to hear our jest_

 _Tie this noose around your neck, Batsy_

 _If you wanna give life a rest_

 _LSD_

 _THC_

 _These drugs are our cup of tea!_

 _Try the Venom_

 _Tastes like champagne_

 _Don't believe me? Ask big, bad Bane_

 _We're crazy, we're rotten_

 _After all, this is Arkham_

 _And the madness here is never second best! Hahaha!_

 _Come on and join the dark side_

 _All aboard the joyride_

 _Be our guest_

 _Be our guest_

 _Be our guest!_

Arkham Inmates:

 _Dynamite!_

 _Shock Buzzers!_

 _Laughing gas and gun powder!_

The Joker:

 _Some switchblades and lit grenades_

 _Don't forget your faithful crowbar!_

 _Lethal loons_

 _Everywhere_

 _Ghouls like Scarecrow here to scare!_

 _No one's brooding or unchaining_

 _While Mad Hatter's entertaining_

 _We tell jokes! I do tricks!_

 _Harley's quite swell at slapstick_

Arkham Inmates:

 _And it's all to take vengeance_

 _Upon your head_

 _Endure these injuries_

 _You earn the misery_

 _To be our guest_

The Joker:

 _If you're stressed_

 _Kick those birds out, I suggest!_

Arkham Inmates:

 _Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!_

(The lighting immediately turns blue. The Joker stretches his cane out to catch and tug The Penguin up to where he is. Now, with an irritated Penguin on top of the table as well, The Joker places a hand on his shoulder to bring his feathery friend to his side)

The Penguin:

 _Hey, unhand me!_

The Joker:

 _Life can be so shady_

 _When he doesn't think he's crazy!_

The Penguin:

 _Because I'm not!_

The Joker:

 _Beak held high like he is better than us all..._

The Penguin:

 _Well, of course I'm better._

The Joker:

 _Ah, once a kingpin who owned an ice lounge..._

The Penguin:

 _Those are proud memories..._

The Joker:

 _...Suddenly lack of flight caused his fall_

The Penguin:

 _How dare you-Waugh!_

(The Joker shoves The Penguin off the table after singing his line to clearly demonstrate The Penguin's "fall")

The Joker:

 _Each day gets more boring_

 _Growing tired of Pyg's snorting_

 _Things are better out on the streets where it's fun_

 _Most days we play poker in the nut house_

 _Ten, ace, king, jack, and queen_

 _A royal flush! You're move, Eddie!_

(The lighting changes to green on cue. The spotlight leaves The Joker, moving forward to beam on The Riddler who's right next to Batman)

The Riddler:

 _He's a guest! He's a guest!_

 _One for my new riddle test!_ (Places a piece of paper in front of Batman)

 _Stakes are drawn, my dumb bat pawn_

 _That you will struggle in your quest_

 _With puzzles, two or three_

 _And Dark Knight that's fine with me_

 _As you fail each time you're guessing_

 _I'll be jeering, I'll be boasting_

 _Let's check in on your plight_ (Picks paper back up)

 _Heaven's sakes! You got it right?!_

 _Just because your IQ's high, I'd be impressed?_

 _I've got more up my sleeve_

 _We have all night, you see_

 _For you're our guest!_

(The entire room lights up in multicolor, shimmering upon Batman and all the Arkham Inmates)

Arkham Inmates:

 _He's our guest!_

The Riddler:

 _He's our guest!_

Arkham Inmates:

 _He's our guest!_

Harley Quinn:

 _Be our guest! Be our guest!_

 _Please attend Mistah J's fest_

Scarecrow:

 _I've been concocting atrocious fear toxins_

 _That you'll ingest_

Mad Hatter:

 _We could go for a stroll_

 _Then drop down the rabbit hole_

Bane:

 _Or instead I can crush your bones_

 _Like I did a long time ago_

Professor Pyg:

 _Pyg shall fix bat defects_

 _Pyg makes sure you'll be perfect!_

Arkham Inmates:

 _We'll drain whatever sanity you have left_

 _Tonight you'll make memories_

 _With your rogues gallery_

 _Be our guest!_

 _Be our guest!_

 _Be our guest!_

 _PLEASE, BE OUR GUEEEEEEESSSSSSSSTTT!_

THE END

* * *

 **Wassup Guys; I'm back from da dead! Sorry for the hiatus (tomatoes out of nowhere are thrown at the-CHELO) Hey, hey, take it easy! I have a lot of things on my plate! Honestly, though, my apologies. I'm gonna be more considerate about my page this time around. You just wait and see. Anyways, what you guys think about the parody this time around? I know, these things are pretty weird. You can tell I really like Beauty and The Beast. Though I have many more Disney-themed one-shots that I'll be posting soon. If any new reader enjoys this one, you should give Kill The Clown and Back In Arkham Again a go. Leave a review, positive or negative. Thanks for reading!**


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